Snowfall on a frozen lake,
Leafless trees shivering in the cold.
I reach to the left and find
An empty bedside,
dead skin cells and a cold lonely imprint of where
your frame
once
fit.
Time passes in Tokyo,
Milan,
Barcelona,
Beirut,
Tel Aviv.
The world ages and greys but you,
My love,
are ageless,
swallowed in youth -
Time passes in Tokyo,
Milan,
Barcelona,
Beirut,
Tel Aviv.
The world ages and greys but you,
My love,
are ageless,
swallowed in youth -
Your curls are cherry blossoms,
Your eyes sprinkled with pollen.
My skin is snow white and yours
is kissed with rays of gold -
You are my exit,
My refuge from this
sleepless winter.
Your eyes sprinkled with pollen.
My skin is snow white and yours
is kissed with rays of gold -
You are my exit,
My refuge from this
sleepless winter.
--
*Tentative title
For some reason this thing isn't letting me visually structure the poem the way I want. I don't know why. Hmm.
(3/3/2010) I decided to change the line "stuck in my mind's perpetual spring -" to "swallowed in youth -" thanks to the constructive criticism I received. Plus, I like sexual imagery!
This could possibly be one of my favorite pieces of yours. Possibly because you mention Tel Aviv. (Kidding.) Actually, I got so excited about the mention of Tel Aviv that I inadvertently skipped over the line, "stuck in my mind's perpetual spring". And then I read the poem again, and realized that you HAD mentioned spring explicitly... I kind of liked it when I just derived the coming of spring with the cherry blossoms and such. It was more... I don't know, you had already mentioned winter, so I feel like we're stuck in this winterness and spring is coming but it's just this hint of it... it's not yet here completely. I think maybe that's why I liked unintentionally cutting out the word "spring". Yes. I really like this poem. Oh, the other reason I like it is because it reminds me of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (winter to spring), and I dunno if you read my Narnia poem, but I kind of have a thing for it. So... again. I realllly like this piece.
ReplyDeletePS. Blogger doesn't allow that kind of structuring. The best you can do is play around with right/ left/ center paragraph orientations, or at least that's the best I can do.
That's a really good idea. The fact that you got the sense of "spring" without it being explicitly mentioned makes me think the poem would do better without it. Thanks for the critique - and I'm glad you enjoyed it! (BTW I thought og you when I wrote Tel Aviv. I just had to - I love the sound of that city. It's musical!)
ReplyDeleteAnd that really sucks about blogger -____- I wanted the names of the cities to be indented successively, but it was a failure. *sigh*